So there’s this guy at my church who I know is a good guy. Our families have been friends a long time, all us kids grew up together (we’re all late teens/early twenties now), and he and I are about the same age. He’s hardworking, talented in so many ways, and he loves the Lord so much. I know both families would love it if we got together, and our siblings tease us about it all the time.

The problem is… I’m not attracted to him at all. AT ALL. This man checks all the boxes, he’s literally everything I thought I wanted, but I get this unnerving anxiety in my gut when I think about us dating.. and the idea of us kissing makes me want to physically run away from him, to the point I want nothing to do with him in any social settings (which makes me feel so bad because I can tell he’s interested in me).

So my question is… is this normal? Are my expectations too high with what “it” is supposed to feel like? I don’t know why I wouldn’t be attracted to him if he’s such a good man.

Idk what to do, I just need some advice and support.

Hey sister,

You are not alone in this. At some point, probably every man and woman out there has experienced this phenomenon of meeting someone who “checks all the boxes” and yet, something is just.. missing.

Take a deep breath, and slow your thoughts. The simple truth is you are not romantically interested in this man (“unnerving anxiety in my gut..” “physically run away from him..” “want nothing to do with him..”), and that’s totally okay. You are under no obligation to say yes just because someone asks you out, and you are not obligated to date a man just because he’s a good guy.

Ask any guy friend or a brother how they’d feel if a girl they really liked said yes to them only out of guilt or pity; then ask them how they’d feel if they knew that girl was physically repulsed by the idea of being touched by them. How would you feel, if the guy you liked felt those ways about you?

Just because someone is a good person doesn’t mean they’re the right person.

You ever had a friend point out a shirt they think would look great on you? You already know you don’t like it, but maybe they’re insistent or you’re trying to be more open-minded, so you try it on — maybe it fits you perfectly, but you still don’t like it. It doesn’t matter that it technically fits you well, or that your friend thinks it looks great, because you simply don’t like it. You know if you bought that shirt you’d never wear it a single day in your entire life, because you just don’t like it. At all. Even though it fits ‘perfectly.’

Not trying to reduce people to objects, but dating kind of works the same way. There are so many good men out there. You won’t be attracted to every single one of them, and every single one of them won’t be attracted to you; friends or family may want to set you up with someone they imagine is perfect for you, but as soon as you meet the person, you’re not even slightly interested. It happens all the time.

It’s not about finding the guy who’s perfect on paper. It’s about finding the man who’s perfect for you (and spoilers, even he’s not going to be perfect).

Consider that this may be a small divine revelation, that God is showing you that you don’t actually know what you want. The fact this man checks all the boxes and is technically “everything you thought you wanted,” and yet… you’re not attracted to him at all. Perhaps God is asking you to let go of that checklist so He can surprise you with someone incredible (and so much better); someone your beautiful but finite mind never could’ve dreamt up on a list.

I’ll leave you with some timeless wisdom a friend’s mom shared a few years ago.

We are not just a soul, we’re a body too. You’re not just marrying a man for his heart and mind, you’re marrying his body too. If you can’t see yourself kissing him and enjoying it — if no part of you is physically attracted to him, if no part of you is excited and even a little restlessly eager to kiss him — how could you fathom having sex with him for the rest of your life? To pursue a romantic relationship with him would be a lie, and a terribly cruel one at that. He deserves to be fully desired by his future spouse (as do you), and if marriage is God’s will for him, there is a woman out there who will be wildly attracted to him. If it’s not you, then it’s not you, and that’s okay. To ignore what your gut is telling you (that you don’t like him romantically) would almost inevitably set you up for a lifetime of hurt, conflict, and a lack of intimacy in marriage. That’s not fair to either one of you.

Know that you aren’t going to miss out on someone better for you if you don’t ‘snag’ this guy. Never let FOMO manipulate you, especially when it comes to dating and marriage. Don’t settle for a guy just because he’s good enough (ouch). Don’t ignore your intuition when it’s intensely emphasizing this man is not the one, because the idea of it literally makes you sick to your stomach (again… ouch).

Trust yourself a little more. Your intuition (which I like to think is a combination of primal instinct and divine guidance) is telling you the truth. You know how you feel. You know what you don’t want. Rest in the knowledge that God won’t ask you to marry someone you are not physically attracted to; that is not what the perfect Matchmaker does. He wants the best for you. He’ll give you a man who sets your soul and your body on fire; a man who’ll lead you to desire intimacy not only with him, but Him too.

That’s what a man of God does, the man of God who’s meant for you: he brings you to Love.

Praying for you, sister,

—T

The post “I’m not attracted to a man who might be really good for me?” first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

I really like this girl I work with, but I’m about to give up on her because of this.

She’s been acting interested in me for a while (flirting, saving a seat next to her at lunch, etc.), so I ask her on a date, she says yes, seems excited. Day of the date comes, I find her in her department, and she tells me she already ate because she forgot about our date… and she’s at a table with another guy. I’m just kind of like alright, they don’t seem like they’re romantic, so we’ll go out another time then.

She asks for my number. We start texting regularly, general fun conversation. She then asks me out (over text), saying she’d love to go on an actual date and she’s free Friday. Awesome. I give a solid yes, suggest a time and a place… and she leaves me on read for 3 days. Next time I see her is at work, she comes up to me like she didn’t just ignore me for several days, asking if we’re still good for Friday. Maybe I should’ve said no at that point, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and said yes.

Fast forward to the end of our shift, I see her walking out to her car holding hands with another guy. And at this point I’m like okay… I’m good. Not doing all that. Fast forward to now, and I’m hearing how she’s all sad because I stopped texting her, when apparently she really liked me and doesn’t know what went wrong.

Am I crazy for backing off? I mean, it’s the 21st century, “no means no,” right? Consent is huge. I’m not trying to get labeled a sex offender because I asked some girl out 3 times thinking she was playing hard to get, but then it turns out she was just being nice and felt harrassed the entire time.

So how am I supposed to tell the difference between a girl who’s only pretending she’s not interested, and a girl who’s actually, genuinely not interested?

Good morning, brother,

You are not crazy.

You’re experiencing emotional whiplash, a common side effect of these mind games.

Which is, by the way, what playing hard to get is. A mental rollercoaster. A manipulation. A game.

Playing hard to get can look like:

• delayed response time, especially with finalizing plans (e.g., “she leaves me on read for 3 days”)
• contradictory behavior (e.g., “saving me a seat next to her at lunch…sitting at a table with another guy”)
• cancels often, but throws a bone to keep you around (e.g., “she already ate… she then asks me out”)
• mixed emotional signals (e.g., “flirting… holding hands with another guy… says she really likes me”)

The ridiculousness of all of this was summarized excellently in the final line of today’s question:

how am I supposed to tell the difference between a girl who’s only pretending she’s not interested, and a girl who’s actually, genuinely not interested?

The way I had to read that twice. Playing hard to get is simply… a waste of time and energy.

It’s important to note that not all women who play hard to get are doing so with conscious, controlling or malicious intention. Some may not be aware their behavior is toxic because it may have been simply taught to them as “normal” dating advice, along with “don’t pick up on the first ring, it makes you look desperate.” Regardless of intention, though, playing hard to get is a manipulation, and it is a mind game, one that dishonors both people involved.

Anyone who’s ever been on the other side of a mind game can attest to how confusing, infuriating, and utterly draining it is to be constantly jumping through all of the hoops of a mental obstacle course for a person you aren’t even in a relationship with (not that any of this would be healthy in a relationship).

If you’re a woman reading this and you’re regularly (or currently) engaging in playing hard to get — stop. Instead of playing the game, align your actions and words with your authentic emotion. Present the truth. If you like that one man in HR, flirt with that one man in HR; don’t flirt with everyone just because you can, or to make that one guy in HR jealous, or to “keep him guessing.” You like him. Let him see that. Give him the confidence to ask you out, and then when he does — say yes (…and actually go out with him). If it turns out you don’t like him, don’t go out again. Keep it simple. Be authentic.

Now for the guys reading this, and the OP himself, as the person on the other side of the game (you’re playing, but not in charge), you only have two options to break free: stop playing, or take charge.

By “stop playing,” I mean let the person go. This is for the guy who is coming to the realization that he doesn’t want to pursue this girl anymore. Maybe admist all of this on-and-off flirting, you’ve gotten to know her a bit better and discovered you don’t like her as much as you thought you did / would. Maybe you’re starting to sense she knows exactly what she’s doing, and you’re done playing the game.

Now, by “take charge,” I mean take charge of the game so you can end it (not, take-charge-so-you-can-play). This is for the guy who still sees potential for a relationship despite this; maybe she’s truly beautiful inside and out, but she’s stuck in the toxic advice she got from the world (or from the auntie on her fifth husband), and doesn’t know there’s a much simpler, better, less stressful way to date. If that’s the case, then stand in the strength of your masculinity and authenticity and clarify your intentions; you like her, you want to take her on a date, it’s okay if she’s not interested, but you’re not going to play games.

Only you can know if she’s worth pursuing, so how you proceed from here is truly up to you. Like I mentioned above, you may have already come to the realization that she’s not worth pursuing, which there’s nothing wrong with; she simply wasn’t the one for you. Or, if dating her is too complicated right now (but you see potential), you could always stay platonic and get to know each other more at work, a neutral environment without the pressure of romance. Take it to prayer, see what brings you peace.

Praying for you as you navigate this, brother,

—T

The post “How do I tell the difference between a girl who’s just playing hard to get, and a girl who’s not interested?” first appeared on the Way of the wretch.