T,
I really like this girl I work with, but I’m about to give up on her because of this.
She’s been acting interested in me for a while (flirting, saving a seat next to her at lunch, etc.), so I ask her on a date, she says yes, seems excited. Day of the date comes, I find her in her department, and she tells me she already ate because she forgot about our date… and she’s at a table with another guy. I’m just kind of like alright, they don’t seem like they’re romantic, so we’ll go out another time then.
She asks for my number. We start texting regularly, general fun conversation. She then asks me out (over text), saying she’d love to go on an actual date and she’s free Friday. Awesome. I give a solid yes, suggest a time and a place… and she leaves me on read for 3 days. Next time I see her is at work, she comes up to me like she didn’t just ignore me for several days, asking if we’re still good for Friday. Maybe I should’ve said no at that point, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and said yes.
Fast forward to the end of our shift, I see her walking out to her car holding hands with another guy. And at this point I’m like okay… I’m good. Not doing all that. Fast forward to now, and I’m hearing how she’s all sad because I stopped texting her, when apparently she really liked me and doesn’t know what went wrong.
Am I crazy for backing off? I mean, it’s the 21st century, “no means no,” right? Consent is huge. I’m not trying to get labeled a sex offender because I asked some girl out 3 times thinking she was playing hard to get, but then it turns out she was just being nice and felt harrassed the entire time.
So how am I supposed to tell the difference between a girl who’s only pretending she’s not interested, and a girl who’s actually, genuinely not interested?
Good morning, brother,
You are not crazy.
You’re experiencing emotional whiplash, a common side effect of these mind games.
Which is, by the way, what playing hard to get is. A mental rollercoaster. A manipulation. A game.
Playing hard to get can look like:
- delayed response time, especially with finalizing plans (e.g., “she leaves me on read for 3 days”)
- contradictory behavior (e.g., “saving me a seat next to her at lunch…sitting at a table with another guy”)
- cancels often, but throws a bone to keep you around (e.g., “she already ate… she then asks me out”)
- mixed emotional signals (e.g., “flirting… holding hands with another guy… says she really likes me”)
The ridiculousness of all of this was summarized excellently in the final line of today’s question:
how am I supposed to tell the difference between a girl who’s only pretending she’s not interested, and a girl who’s actually, genuinely not interested?
The way I had to read that twice. Playing hard to get is simply… a waste of time and energy.
It’s important to note that not all women who play hard to get are doing so with conscious, controlling or malicious intention. Some may not be aware their behavior is toxic because it may have been simply taught to them as “normal” dating advice, along with “don’t pick up on the first ring, it makes you look desperate.” Regardless of intention, though, playing hard to get is a manipulation, and it is a mind game, one that dishonors both people involved.
Anyone who’s ever been on the other side of a mind game can attest to how confusing, infuriating, and utterly draining it is to be constantly jumping through all of the hoops of a mental obstacle course for a person you aren’t even in a relationship with (not that any of this would be healthy in a relationship).
If you’re a woman reading this and you’re regularly (or currently) engaging in playing hard to get — stop. Instead of playing the game, align your actions and words with your authentic emotion. Present the truth. If you like that one man in HR, flirt with that one man in HR; don’t flirt with everyone just because you can, or to make that one guy in HR jealous, or to “keep him guessing.” You like him. Let him see that. Give him the confidence to ask you out, and then when he does — say yes (…and actually go out with him). If it turns out you don’t like him, don’t go out again. Keep it simple. Be authentic.
Now for the guys reading this, and the OP himself, as the person on the other side of the game (you’re playing, but not in charge), you only have two options to break free: stop playing, or take charge.
By “stop playing,” I mean let the person go. This is for the guy who is coming to the realization that he doesn’t want to pursue this girl anymore. Maybe admist all of this on-and-off flirting, you’ve gotten to know her a bit better and discovered you don’t like her as much as you thought you did / would. Maybe you’re starting to sense she knows exactly what she’s doing, and you’re done playing the game.
Now, by “take charge,” I mean take charge of the game so you can end it (not, take-charge-so-you-can-play). This is for the guy who still sees potential for a relationship despite this; maybe she’s truly beautiful inside and out, but she’s stuck in the toxic advice she got from the world (or from the auntie on her fifth husband), and doesn’t know there’s a much simpler, better, less stressful way to date. If that’s the case, then stand in the strength of your masculinity and authenticity and clarify your intentions; you like her, you want to take her on a date, it’s okay if she’s not interested, but you’re not going to play games.
Only you can know if she’s worth pursuing, so how you proceed from here is truly up to you. Like I mentioned above, you may have already come to the realization that she’s not worth pursuing, which there’s nothing wrong with; she simply wasn’t the one for you. Or, if dating her is too complicated right now (but you see potential), you could always stay platonic and get to know each other more at work, a neutral environment without the pressure of romance. Take it to prayer, see what brings you peace.
Praying for you as you navigate this, brother,
—T
