Been 14 months since I last wrote to you; that was back in December 2024, and it’s now… March 2026.

In that maddeningly cryptic post, I said I was in the middle of a phoenix era — that was, indeed, true.

2023 was the destruction of a multitude of false beliefs, false identities, and idols; this was the year that so many of my professional and personal goals, so much of who I thought I was, burned away to ash.

2024 started, and it felt like I was stumbling blindly through the rubble of my own hopes and dreams (lol). It was a year of confusion, anger, and yet.. flowers still began sprouting up through the concrete.

2025 — well, 2025 still feels unreal (HINT: check out the photo for this post, heh.. more on this later).

And now, we’re in 2026.

You might be wondering why I took a step away from this blog.. why I went radio silent for 14 months.. why I didn’t provide any updates at all during that time.. and why I’ve suddenly come back now.

What I’ll share is that God led me through a season that wasn’t meant to be narrated while I was living it; it was meant to be felt, endured, and experienced with fully presence. Multiple areas of my life were unraveling — rapidly, simultaneously — and I didn’t understand what was happening, let alone know how to turn my Shakespeare-play-of-a-life into an insightful blog post for others to reflect on.

Career, friendships, family relationships, the place(s) I was living… somewhere along the way, I realized it wasn’t just my external ircumstances that were changing, it was my entire internal sense of selfhood. My identity, my worth, my whole understanding of “this is why I’m on this earth,” it was all being rewritten.

I found myself on my knees in the ashes of who I thought I was, holding the charred remnants of my former self in my hands in shock, unable to do anything but feel the slow burn of the death of my ego.

Fire purifies, and not everything survives a fire; only what will help me do what God is calling me to do next is what I need, and that is what survived the fire. The core of who I am; who He created me to be.

Underneath all of the self-inflicted distractions and procrastination, underneath what my parents dreamed I would become, underneath what the world tried to break and conform me into, underneath the layers of false identities I built to protect myself, underneath it all… was silence, simplicity, and a sacred stillness.

It was only Him, and all that was left of me — and “all” that was left of me, was the truth of who I’ve always been: His daughter. Made from love, to be loved, to bring love to as many souls as possible.

In other words…

I’M BACK.

The post A YEAR LATER: the truth about the last 14 months. first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

If I had to describe this season of my life, name this chapter, it would be The Phoenix Era.

2023 was a collapse of multiple structures in my life: relationships, career, health, even parts of my faith.

2024 was the settling of the dust; time to assess the damage, gather remaining resources, and strategize.

And 2025…

I don’t know what the next year will hold, but my gut is telling me I need to prepare for it on all levels: spiritual, mental, emotional, physical. I need to slow down, breathe, pray a lot, and begin rebuilding.

Gut feelings are, I believe, a blend of raw ancestral instinct and the unfiltered will of God. I trust my gut.

…but, I haven’t been listening to it lately.

I’ve been ignoring the unease in my nervous system, the quiet warnings in my heart; the subtle-but-persistant symptoms telling me I need to slow down, focus on healing, hit pause on some projects.

I didn’t listen and burned out. Here, now, at the end of 2024… I’m at the foot of the cross, y’all. I’m tired.

So, I’m going to hit pause on this blog for a while. It’s not going anywhere (even though I am for a bit); you’ll still be able to visit this place whenever you want, pick up a new book to read, or simply chill.

I don’t have a set date for my return because healing, restoration, what comes next… it doesn’t happen on our time, it happens on His. We may not understand it, but we trust He knows us and what’s best for us.

If you’ve been waiting for permission to take your own mini-sabbatical… perhaps this is it.

I’ll see you on the other side, my fellow Way-folk,
May God grant you peace,

—T

The post my soul needs a mini-sabbatical… and it starts today. first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

My entire family has been split in half because of this. Last year, my cousin (F) began dating a woman, and since she had become so liberal it didn’t really surprise any of us. But now they’re getting married and so all the “sooo are you gonna go” conversations are starting to happen in the family lol.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve had gay friends get married before, but never went to the weddings (it felt off), but I also wasn’t close enough to those people for it to be a big deal that I wasn’t there. But this is my cousin and our families are pretty close even though we don’t agree on a lot, so I feel like it’d cause drama for me not to go. But at the same time, Jesus caused all sorts of drama preaching the gospel, right?

I don’t know, part of me is thinking I shouldn’t go because God says marriage is between one man and one woman and that’s what I believe. But at the same time, we’re called to “eat with sinners” and “love the sinner, hate the sin” so how is me not going to the wedding showing love if it makes them feel unloved?

What do I do?! It’s in 3 months, help!!

Dear friend,

I applaud you for taking the time to pray about and discern this. It’s a situation many followers of Christ have found themselves in with our modern society; many are conflicted, and many have opinions.

It’s… delicate. Relationships are involved, hearts are involved, faith is involved, and sin is involved.

I have, personally, lost friendships over choosing not to attend their LGBTQ ceremony; whether because my “I’m not going and here’s why” was too blunt, or, no matter how loving I was, it was taken as hate.

But loving someone does not equal loving everything they do. And “love” is not making someone feel good (that is a bonus). What love truly is, is to “will the good of the other,” as Thomas Aquinas, a renowned Christian philosopher, said. Love is not a feeling, it is conscious, virtuous action; it’s deliberate choices that seek what is good for another, even (especially) when it calls for sacrifice and growth.

Does Christ love us any less when we fall short of holy perfection every.. single.. day..?

No.

At the same time, does He turn a blind eye to our sins? Does He say, “That’s okay, it wasn’t that big of a deal, shh, let’s not talk about these nasty things anymore and just keep having fun”?

No.

He loves us deeply, and because He loves us, He doesn’t allow us to worship things that destroy the very life and grace from our souls. He calls us to repent. He tells us what habits, actions, and choices lead to spiritual disease and death so we can avoid those spiritual toxins, follow Him, and receive eternal life.

…persons with a homosexual inclination must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity.

The work of spreading the Good News involves an ever-increasing love for those to whom one is ministering by calling them to the truth of Jesus Christ.

In the book of Genesis, we learn that God created humanity as male and female and that according to God’s plan a man and a woman come together and “the two of them become one body.” Whenever homosexual acts are mentioned in the Old Testament, it is clear that they are disapproved of, as contrary to the will of God. In the New Testament, St. Paul teaches that homosexual acts are not in keeping with our being created in God’s image, and so degrade and undermine our authentic dignity as human beings.

…every person [is called] to live out the universal call to holiness. Persons with a homosexual inclination ought to receive every aid and encouragement to embrace this call personally and fully. This will unavoidably involve much struggle and self-mastery, for following Jesus always means following the way of the Cross. At the same time, they also provide us with a constant reminder of the great hope held out for all who follow Jesus with perseverance. Moreover, crucial support for the spiritual struggle is to be found through diligent fostering of the Christian life, including the reading of Scripture and daily prayer.

–from USCCB

Is that hatred? When Christ reaches out His hand and says, “I love you, but this isn’t good for you,” every time He calls us back from our awful sin and into His infinite grace, is that God hating us?

No. Truth is what brings you true love, life, and freedom. It can feel like a burden at times — that is why they say ignorance is bliss — But the Father’s teachings on homosexual behavior are undeniable.

If God has entrusted you with this wisdom, with an understanding of His teachings on this subject, you are meant to share it with those around you who are not yet aware. And if you have received an invitation to the ceremony, then you literally have an invitation to share the Gospel with your family.

If we claim to be followers of Christ, that means we follow His teachings; the truth He shared with us is that homosexuality is not part of the natural order, which He declared upon His creation of the universe.

…from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’

–Matthew 10:6-8

THIS VIDEO does an excellent job of providing Biblical insights and practical tips for how to have this loving (but honest) conversation when you, as a Christian, have been invited to an LGBTQ ceremony.

Praying for peace, unity, and healing within your family,

—T

The post “I was invited to a gay wedding; as a Christian, can I go or should I not?” first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

The dangers of a lukewarm faith are not to be taken lightly, but with God’s grace and our perseverance, He can ignite a blazing fire from even the dampest match.

Many of us have been led to believe being a follower of Christ is simply being a “good person.” Someone who’s generally nice, fairly passive, doesn’t cause any conflict; someone who cruises through life on peace, good vibes, and Jesus (..when He fits into the aesthetic). It’s wearing a cross necklace to the gym.

We have been deceived. Our faith, our lifestyle, is a radical one. We are called to be like Christ.

We are called to forgive the unforgivable. To speak the truth unashamedly. To praise God publicly. To give compassion to those who want it least. To be humble. To show mercy. To walk the narrow path. To take up our cross, and sacrifice. To love our enemies. To be a good samaritan. To be holy warriors. To thrive.

None of this can be accomplished by being lukewarm in our spirituality; by doing the bare minimum for God; by choosing to follow only some of His teachings and ignoring His laws that make us feel too guilty, too uncomfortable. We cannot have fun dancing with the devil Monday through Friday, and then sit in church on Sunday singing worship songs, as if we can somehow get the “best” of both worlds.

No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other.

–Matthew 6:24

I know that you are neither cold nor hot, and I wish you were cold or hot. Instead, because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.

–Revelation 3:15-1

Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of My Father in heaven.

Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name? Did we not drive out demons in Your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in Your name?’

Then I will declare to them solemnly, ‘I never knew you. Depart from Me, you evildoers.’

–Matthew 7:21

Spiritual growth is a lifelong journey. None of us are perfect, and God knows this; it’s not an excuse to indulge in sin, but an opportunity to continuously seek His mercy and graces. Whether you’re working on building your faith for the first time, or you’re going through a tough spiritual season and are struggling to stay committed to your faith, you’re not the only one, and you’ve been brought to the right place.

What does a lukewarm faith look like?

Some of you are here because you’ve experienced some conviction that made you realize you’re called to live a deeper, richer faith than you have been. Others might think they’re doing just fine as is. WE’LL SEE.

Common signs of a lukewarm Christian include someone who…

• lives a “cafeteria faith” (picking and choosing which of God’s teachings they want to believe)
• has a self-centered faith (praying only when they need something; does good things specifically for personal praise or reward; focuses on serving themselves more than serving others)
• does the minimum with their faith, and doesn’t feel the need to learn more/deepen their faith
• follows the world’s currents, often going with what’s popular over what’s morally right
• identifies with sin more than their identity in Christ (“wish I was better,” “this is just the way I am”)
• justifies their lukewarmness by comparing themselves to those who are “worse” around them
• stays within their comfort zone, being unwilling to “walk on water” or live God’s truths boldly
• has conditions in their relationship with God, often practicing their faith until it gets challenging

If you felt your stomach drop because more than a few of those bullet points hit a little close to home, don’t give into despair. Instead, thank God for revealing this to you, tell the devil to drink his own poison, and keep reading on to learn seven ways you can begin reviving your faith today.

one | seek out the Holy Spirit

When was the last time you prayed to the Holy Spirit? It’s a weird thought for many people because we might struggle to visualize the Spirit like we can Jesus (our Brother/Friend) or God (our Father), but it’s an equally powerful and present Person within the Trinity. The Spirit is our Source of life.

the Spirit brought life into Adam | Genesis 2:7

the Spirit brought life to the virgin Mary’s womb | Luke 1:35

the Spirit brought spiritual new life to the Apostles | John 20:22

the Spirit brings spiritual new life to us, through baptism | Matthew 28:19

Here’s a simple prayer for you if you aren’t sure what to say (and you can pray this daily).

Come, Holy Spirit,

Fill the hearts of Your faithful, and enkindle in us the fire of Your love. Send forth Your spirit, and we shall be created, and You shall renew the face of the earth.

Amen.

two | be aware of spiritual warfare

We are in a spiritual war, every day, whether we actively experience manifestations of that warfare or not. You’re not a threat to the devil when you’re lukewarm; when you barely take care of yourself, let alone live your life for Christ, so why would he waste his efforts and devils on you? You’re chillin’ with sin.

When you start truly chasing after Christ, though, that’s when the enemy sits up a little straighter. That’s when he starts watching you more closely, because if you manage to rebuild your faith after everything he did to try and break you… you’d become a radical beacon of hope, love, mercy, forgiveness, a giant glowing arrow pointing right to Christ — and he will have failed.

So, don’t be surprised if you start experiencing some suffering (spiritual attacks) the closer you begin growing to Christ. In choosing God, you’re rejecting the devil, and he’s not going to give up on you without a fight. For some, this might look like an increase of doubt or anxiety when it comes to accepting God’s truths; it may be through the loss of friends who now perceive you to be “boring”; it may be through the emotional distance of family members who feel like they “don’t know who you are now.”

Don’t lose hope. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Seek His protection. You will get through this.

three | stop ignoring or justifying your sins

Whether you’re attached to them out of pleasure, or you’re surrounded by worldly people who normalize them, or you’ve simply never learned the full truth of sin before, or all three — it’s time to learn, now.

The Bible is the Word of God; every individual ‘book’ within that sacred Book was divinely inspired by God Himself. His laws, His commandments, the sins He most condemns, His instructions for how His people (us) are to live well on this earth, His guidance through worldly trials and tribulations, it’s all in there. Take the time to immerse yourself in His Word every day; you’re feeling lost — allow him Him to guide and instruct you.

You can also do an “examination of conscience” at the end of the day. Doing this before bed can be a powerful spiritual defense if you tend to get ambushed with sensual temptations at night. Let your mind drift over the day, recognize where God guided your actions and words, see where your fallen nature took over. Recall your sins, not for self-punishment, but to seek His mercy and forgiveness. End with gratitude.

four | be more selfless, serve others often

Here’s a prayer to root that sacrificial love, the love of Christ, deep within your heart and soul.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

–Francis of Assisi

A beautiful prayer, but in a more practical sense, this could look like:

Offering the last slice of pizza (or the better-looking slice) to your friend. Cleaning up dishes (even the ones that aren’t yours) for your family or housemates, without needing recognition or praise. Making a little extra food for others in the house when you’re making a meal for yourself. Picking up a sandwich or cup of soup from the deli during your grocery run, for the homeless man always standing on the corner. Putting out a bowl of water for the birds in the middle of summer. Donating to a local thrift store. Volunteering.

five | surround yourself with holier people

It’s easy to feel like you’re a pretty exceptional Christian when you’re comparing your sheephood to the (scoff) hypocritical goats around you. Suddenly, your bare minimum efforts are something to be praised; at least you don’t gossip like she does, or sleep around like he does, or cuss as badly as they do.

As opposed to, if you surround yourself with Christians who are more devout than you. Christians who have a consistent prayer life; who immerse themselves in the Word; who live out God’s truths daily; who lead their boyfriend or girlfriend closer to God through prayer and chastity; who are patient, kind, loving, passionate people. People who ignite that calling deep within you to be better, by being around them.

Don’t let the devil convince you that they’re something rare, though, and that spiritual mediocrity is okay “for the rest of us”; as if those other Christians were born with an extra shot of grace, and that’s why they’re so strong in their faith. They’re people like you and me; they stumble, they sin, they suffer — but through it all, they choose God. They trust Him. They put His will above their own. They live, in Love.

six | set boundaries to protect your soul

The closer you grow to Christ, the clearer it will become who and what around you is not in alignment with the Lord. Things you used to laugh about won’t seem funny anymore; music you used to sing at the top of your lungs you’ll start deleting off your playlist; people you used to think were the highlight of the party, may now seem un-fun, depressing, or even dangerous.

Pay attention to these (often subtle) spiritual developments that start emerging in your life. Understand that there are certain people, activities, TV shows/movies, music, and whatever else is not helpful for your spiritual growth. Some of these things may be harmful to you, or even sinful; you’ll have to let go.

Be open to recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, and where boundaries will need to be set. Be willing to see the truth about certain activities, hobbies, interests, or people who are pulling you away from God; remember, the Way is narrow. If this were easy, everyone would do it. (Matthew 7:13-14).

seven | set spiritual goals each month

Our relationship with Jesus, just like our relationship with other people, requires effort, trust, love, and growth. We have to communicate openly and transparently; prioritize spending quality time with Him; sacrifice selfish desires to love Him better; strive not to hurt Him, not out of fear, but because we love Him so much, we don’t want to cause Him pain. We have to choose to love, and choose Love, every day.

This could look like choosing a new faith-based podcast to listen to on the way to school or work. Maybe you bookmarked some post on social media where someone you admire shared their favorite faith-based book, but you never got around to buying it (you could replace night scrolling with this reading). You could spend the first 15 minutes of every morning reading the Bible, or going on a prayer walk every Saturday evening where you talk to God about what’s been on your heart lately. Set a goal for this month, even if it’s halfway through the month, and commit to doing it for the remaining days. Start today.

Final words of encouragement.

God is a fire that warms and kindles the heart and all inward parts. So, if we feel in our hearts the cold which comes from the devil — for the devil is cold — let us call on the Lord. He will come to enflame our hearts with perfect love, not only for Him, but also for our neighbor, and the cold of the one who hates what is good will flee before the heat of His countenance.

–Seraphim of Sarov

The post Lukewarm Christians: 7 Ways to Ignite Your Faith first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

So there’s this guy at my church who I know is a good guy. Our families have been friends a long time, all us kids grew up together (we’re all late teens/early twenties now), and he and I are about the same age. He’s hardworking, talented in so many ways, and he loves the Lord so much. I know both families would love it if we got together, and our siblings tease us about it all the time.

The problem is… I’m not attracted to him at all. AT ALL. This man checks all the boxes, he’s literally everything I thought I wanted, but I get this unnerving anxiety in my gut when I think about us dating.. and the idea of us kissing makes me want to physically run away from him, to the point I want nothing to do with him in any social settings (which makes me feel so bad because I can tell he’s interested in me).

So my question is… is this normal? Are my expectations too high with what “it” is supposed to feel like? I don’t know why I wouldn’t be attracted to him if he’s such a good man.

Idk what to do, I just need some advice and support.

Hey sister,

You are not alone in this. At some point, probably every man and woman out there has experienced this phenomenon of meeting someone who “checks all the boxes” and yet, something is just.. missing.

Take a deep breath, and slow your thoughts. The simple truth is you are not romantically interested in this man (“unnerving anxiety in my gut..” “physically run away from him..” “want nothing to do with him..”), and that’s totally okay. You are under no obligation to say yes just because someone asks you out, and you are not obligated to date a man just because he’s a good guy.

Ask any guy friend or a brother how they’d feel if a girl they really liked said yes to them only out of guilt or pity; then ask them how they’d feel if they knew that girl was physically repulsed by the idea of being touched by them. How would you feel, if the guy you liked felt those ways about you?

Just because someone is a good person doesn’t mean they’re the right person.

You ever had a friend point out a shirt they think would look great on you? You already know you don’t like it, but maybe they’re insistent or you’re trying to be more open-minded, so you try it on — maybe it fits you perfectly, but you still don’t like it. It doesn’t matter that it technically fits you well, or that your friend thinks it looks great, because you simply don’t like it. You know if you bought that shirt you’d never wear it a single day in your entire life, because you just don’t like it. At all. Even though it fits ‘perfectly.’

Not trying to reduce people to objects, but dating kind of works the same way. There are so many good men out there. You won’t be attracted to every single one of them, and every single one of them won’t be attracted to you; friends or family may want to set you up with someone they imagine is perfect for you, but as soon as you meet the person, you’re not even slightly interested. It happens all the time.

It’s not about finding the guy who’s perfect on paper. It’s about finding the man who’s perfect for you (and spoilers, even he’s not going to be perfect).

Consider that this may be a small divine revelation, that God is showing you that you don’t actually know what you want. The fact this man checks all the boxes and is technically “everything you thought you wanted,” and yet… you’re not attracted to him at all. Perhaps God is asking you to let go of that checklist so He can surprise you with someone incredible (and so much better); someone your beautiful but finite mind never could’ve dreamt up on a list.

I’ll leave you with some timeless wisdom a friend’s mom shared a few years ago.

We are not just a soul, we’re a body too. You’re not just marrying a man for his heart and mind, you’re marrying his body too. If you can’t see yourself kissing him and enjoying it — if no part of you is physically attracted to him, if no part of you is excited and even a little restlessly eager to kiss him — how could you fathom having sex with him for the rest of your life? To pursue a romantic relationship with him would be a lie, and a terribly cruel one at that. He deserves to be fully desired by his future spouse (as do you), and if marriage is God’s will for him, there is a woman out there who will be wildly attracted to him. If it’s not you, then it’s not you, and that’s okay. To ignore what your gut is telling you (that you don’t like him romantically) would almost inevitably set you up for a lifetime of hurt, conflict, and a lack of intimacy in marriage. That’s not fair to either one of you.

Know that you aren’t going to miss out on someone better for you if you don’t ‘snag’ this guy. Never let FOMO manipulate you, especially when it comes to dating and marriage. Don’t settle for a guy just because he’s good enough (ouch). Don’t ignore your intuition when it’s intensely emphasizing this man is not the one, because the idea of it literally makes you sick to your stomach (again… ouch).

Trust yourself a little more. Your intuition (which I like to think is a combination of primal instinct and divine guidance) is telling you the truth. You know how you feel. You know what you don’t want. Rest in the knowledge that God won’t ask you to marry someone you are not physically attracted to; that is not what the perfect Matchmaker does. He wants the best for you. He’ll give you a man who sets your soul and your body on fire; a man who’ll lead you to desire intimacy not only with him, but Him too.

That’s what a man of God does, the man of God who’s meant for you: he brings you to Love.

Praying for you, sister,

—T

The post “I’m not attracted to a man who might be really good for me?” first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

The post The Our Father Prayer first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

Body of Christ, save me.

Blood of Christ, inebriate me.

Water from the side of Christ, wash me.

Passion of Christ, strengthen me.

O good Jesus, hear me.

Within Your wounds, hide me.

Permit me not to be separated from You.

From the enemy, defend me.

At the hour of my death, call me and

Bid me come to You, that with your saints

I may praise You forever and ever.

Amen.

believed to be composed by Ignatius of Loyola.

The post Anima Christi (“Soul of Christ”) first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

Wherefore, O gracious God, O dread Majesty, I, a wretched creature caught in difficulties, have recourse to Thee, the fount of mercy; to Thee do I hasten to be healed and take refuge under Thy protection.

I ardently desire to have Him as my Savior, Whom I am unable to face as my Judge. Unto Thee, O Lord, I show my wounds, unto Thee I lay bare my shame. I know that my sins are many and grevious, and hence I am afraid. I trust in Thy countless mercies. Look upon me, therefore, with the eyes of Thy mercy, O Lord Jesus Christ, eternal King, God and Man, crucified for men.

Hearken unto me whose trust is in Thee, have mercy upon me, who am full of sin and misery, O thou fount of mercy that will never cease to flow. Hail, saving Victim, offered for me and all mankind upon the Cross. Hail, noble and precious Blood, flowing from the wounds of the crucified Lord Jesus Christ and washing away the sins of the world. Remember, O Lord, Thy creatures Thou redeemed with Thy Blood.

I am sorry because I have sinned; I desire to make amends for what I have done. Take away from me, therefore, O most merciful Father, all my iniquities and sins; that, being cleansed both in body and soul, I may worthily taste of the Holy of Holies.

Grant that the holy sacrifice of Thy Body and Blood, of which I am unworthy, do hope to partake, may obtain the remission of my sins, the perfect cleansing of my offenses, the banishment of all evil thoughts, the renewal of all holy desires, the accomplishment of works pleasing to Thee, and the strongest protection of soul and body against the wiles of my enemies.

Amen.

by Ambrose of Milan.

The post Prayer for Forgiveness and Renewal first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

We ask You today for Your truth

As a belt tight around our waists.

We put on the zeal

To announce Your good news of peace

As shoes for our feet.

We put on Your righteousness, O Christ,

As our breastplate,

And the hope of salvation

As a helmet for our head.

Father, we take up faith as a shield

Which will put out all the fiery darts of the enemy.

We take up the sword of the Spirit,

Which is Your Word Itself, O Lord.

Father, may the love with which You have loved Jesus

Be in us, and may Jesus be within us always.

We ask You for the grace of a servant’s heart.

Amen.

author unknown.

The post Prayer for Spiritual Armor first appeared on the Way of the wretch.

I was barely 10 years old the first time I was exposed to pornography. It was the early 2000s, and our home had a family computer we could all use; ad-blockers weren’t very popular, or maybe didn’t even exist yet. I’d gotten online (without permission) to search for something innocent, but ended up on phishing website that had about 17 porno ads pop up within 2 seconds of the home page loading.

It wasn’t until I was about 15 years old and had been struggling with a now-deeply embedded addiction to pornography and masturbation for half a decade, when I started taking my faith a bit more seriously, that I started hearing the words “porn” and “masturbation” being used in the same sentence as “sin.”

I’d always had a slight feeling that what I was doing was wrong (feeling guilt or shame afterward), even though no one had ever taught me to believe it was wrong. I grew up in a loosely but consistently Christian household, but we didn’t openly talk about those things. The only real exposure I had to this topic outside of my experience was hearing about it through secular peers, who openly embraced it.

So… I embraced it too (but secretly). I indulged in it whenever I wanted to, and developed both a mental dependence on it (using it for anxiety, insomnia, loneliness) and a physical addiction to it (compulsive need for more, an inability to go long without it).

The enemy was slow-dripping me with the poison of, don’t focus on the guilt, focus on the pleasure. It nagged at my conscience though, and that irritated me. I’d think to myself, what’s the big deal? Is it even a big deal? Everyone does it. They seem a lot happier and less stressed than I am. Is it really a sin?

Yes. I believe He taught us enough about chastity and lust and self-control and discipline in the Bible that we can conclude pornography and masturbation are both rooted in lust, inherently selfish, and sinful.

First, we define lust.

Sexual arousal in and of itself is not evil; it’s awesome.

It’s how we were designed, by God Himself — on purpose. Our sexuality was designed to include another person, though; a man’s body is designed to enter, a woman’s body is designed to receive. God designed us perfectly, so that we could wholeheartedly give, exchange, and savor the gifts of our sexuality within the covenant of marriage, a lifelong union, in an environment of physical safety and emotional stability.

Lust is the distortion of that arousal. It twists the natural, holy desire from “I want to give you all that I have” to “I want to take everything you have.” It’s all about what you want now, what you can get.

Looking at someone through the lens of lust dissolves their personhood, and reduces the person into an object to be used for your own sexual gratification. Pornography is a glorification of that lust.

Now, we address porn.

DEFINITION: pornography is sexually explicit subject material (real people or computer-generated, in the forms of writing, audio, video, gaming, etc.) that is intended to sexually arouse the audience.

The intense stimulation that pornography triggers in the brain causes a ‘reprogramming’ of your thought processes, behavioral patterns, and sexual preferences in the same way that consuming drugs rewires your brain to crave, compulsively need, and constantly seek out a more intense high than the last.

The ‘more intense high’ in pornography is consuming more extreme sexual perversions. The initial thrill of heterosexual missionary sex just won’t do it for you after a while. You might not even be aware of how deeply your addiction has taken root until you’re suddenly faced with thousands of vile images; levels of depravity you couldn’t have ever imagined existed. Things you won’t be able to unsee.

And yet, so many of us are unable to turn away, because it’s become an addiction now, you need it, and the only way you can get your fix and get off is to consume that new, more toxic level of perversion.

It will turn into a primal craving, a constant hunger that is never satisfied; you might find yourself racked with guilt, but unable to stop; you might find it distorting your view of people you love, and end up pushing them away because that’s easier than stopping; you might find yourself unable to be in a healthy, romantic relationship. You might develop low self-esteem, deeper levels of loneliness, and depression.

“Because porn is self-centered and self-serving, it doesn’t require that husbands be lovers of their wives. In the counterfeit world of porn, sex simply involves an image or video, masturbation, and orgasm. The sexual arousal is immediate and gratification is instant — it’s all about personal pleasure. In fantasyland, it’s easy to pursue a perfectly air-brushed woman who acts like a nymphomaniac, never has a headache, needs no foreplay, and requires no ongoing relationship. Porn rewires the brain to focus on you, not on intimacy.” —How Pornography Impacts Marriage

To summarize, pornography is…

— the glorification of lust, which is condemned repeatedly in the Bible (Galatians 5:19-21, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, Matthew 5:28, Colassions 3:5, to name a few)

— a twisted celebration of sexual immorality (adultery, fornication, homosexuality, polyamory, etc.)

— the normalization of violence, perverted relationships (incest, underage, etc.), derogatory behavior

— the distortion of one of God’s most sacred, powerful gifts (the sexual union between man and woman)

— a grave sin against human dignity and chastity (human objectification, degradation, fueling lust, etc.)

And I’ll be honest, it was pretty easy for me to jump on board the “porn is evil” train, because… you can totally masturbate without watching (or reading) porn, right? And that’s not nearly as bad, right?

Then, there’s masturbation.

Alright, so lust is a sin, pornography is evil, and masturbation… supposedly has health benefits?

Well, that’s not entirely wrong, which makes it all the more difficult to embrace the “masturbation is a sin” doctrine. The truth is, on a purely biological (morality aside) level, orgasms do have a range of benefits: they lower inflammation in the body, help you sleep deeper, improve your mood, and can even provide some level of pain relief as your brain releases more pleasure hormones over pain signals.

And those of you reading this who have had an orgasm… oof. You know. God gave us an awesome gift.

Here’s the thing, though — we’re more than just a body, so we’re called to act above mere instinct.

We are not like the animals, whose lives are dictated entirely by their base impulses of eating, drinking, sleeping, and procreating; who cannot deviate from their primal nature, to rationalize good versus evil, to understand ethics or morality or God or salvation. They cannot choose to live any way but by instinct.

We’re also not like the angels, who are spiritual beings without bodies; they are not human now and never were, and likewise, we are not angels and won’t ever be (we don’t become them when we die).

No, we are human. We are a unique creation, made of both a body and a soul; our First Parents (Adam and Eve) experienced the marvelous gift of having a body and soul exist in perfect harmony, living in a perfect union with our Father, but they gave into sin, and we lost that perfection after the Fall.

Now, our bodies and souls exist in conflict; our bodies crave things at times that are not good for our soul, while our soul may call our body to behave in ways we don’t want to (such as abstaining from sex before marriage) but are for our greater good, our salvation.

On a basic level, sure, having consistent orgasms in your life produces a wide range of benefits.

On a spiritual level, though, seeking out multiple sexual partners, and indulging in pornography and masturbation are disordered, unholy, and deeply harmful acts. We are called to be more than this.

“But where in the Bible does it say—”

It doesn’t. If you’re looking for a Bible verse that explicitly uses the word “masturbation” and condemns it, you’re not going to find one. The closest comprehensive verse I’ve found is Matthew 5:28-30.

This is where Jesus not only tells us that anyone who looks at a woman with lust has committed adultery in their hearts, but He also instructs us, “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it away; it is better for you lose one of your members than your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you lose one of your members than your whole body go into hell.”

Of course, this is a parable, He’s not literally telling us to mutilate ourselves after sinning, but He is deeply emphasizing how serious sin is (especially sin that we consciously chose to indulge in, with our “right hand.”) He’s reminding us we must do all we can to avoid it, and take greater precautions in the future, should we end up falling to the temptations pushed before us in the present.

So, what are you supposed to do?

First, take a deep breath. You’re not the only one out there struggling with this. We live in the most hyper-sexual, sexually depraved era to have ever existed. Let that sink in for a second. No one else in history has faced a war against lust like we are right now. Lust has always existed — but not like this.

So, yes, it’s essential to understand the gravity of this sin, this battle, but also… give yourself some grace.

Not slack — grace. Seek out more grace. Know that nearly everyone, in some way, is in this battle.

And none of us can win it by ourselves; if you try to will your way out of temptation, you’ll find it usually doesn’t work. You can’t overcome this sin without the grace and strength and mercy of God.

On a practical level, this will look like prioritizing your prayer life. Instead of checking your phone first thing in the morning and scrolling until you fall asleep, replace that screen time with reading the Bible.

It will look like surrounding yourself with men and women of God, who are of strong and pure minds, mouths, and hearts; who are striving to be better themselves, and will inspire you to be better too.

It will look like sacrificing TV shows, movies, music artists, even social settings that you may really enjoy, but that glorify lust or normalize sexual immorality. A few things probably already came to your mind.

It will look like practicing self-discipline and self-control to master your flesh; follow through with your commitments, get up when your alarm goes off, move your body daily, fast once a week.

It will look like finding other healthy ways to channel your sexuality; it’s not meant to be suppressed or ignored, but given to God so He can purify it and give us proper mastery over it. This could be working out consistently, having go-to physical activities when you’re tempted; it could even be a prayer in the moment of temptation, “God, thank you for my sexuality, for this ambition, but please help me channel it properly now, to save it for my spouse, for my future marital intimacy.” The devil wants to distort your sexuality — he can’t do that if you consistently place it in God’s hands.

Don’t try to hide this from God — He already knows every embarrassing detail about this cross you’re carrying. He wants to help you carry it. Turn to Him. Run to Him. Let Him equip you for battle.

Resources for those actively in battle.

Restore the Glory — a podcast on sexual healing, hosted by two Christian psychotherapists.

Fight the New Drug — a science-based, all-in-one virtual platform for combatting pornography.

Reclaim Sexual Health — a Catholic, anonymous, 100% online recovery program.

Covenant Eyes — a filtration software rooted in accountability and community to support your detox.

Fortify — an app that provides teletherapy, coaching, and personally tailored guidance for recovery.

Strive21 — a Christian community of brothers committed to breaking free/staying free from pornography.

New Fruit — a free ebook for women struggling with pornography.

Final words of encouragement.

Whenever you feel guilty, even if it is because you have consciously committed a sin, a serious sin, something you have kept doing many, many times, never let the devil deceive you by allowing him to discourage you. Whenever you feel guilty, offer up all of that guilt to our Immaculate [God] without examining or over-analyzing it.
My beloved, may every fall, even if it is a serious and habitual sin, always become for us a small step toward a higher degree of perfection. The only reason why the Immaculate permits us to fall is to cure us from our own self-conceit, from our pride, to make us humble and thus open and willing to receiving His divine graces.
The devil, instead, tries to inject in us discouragement and internal depression in those circumstances, which is, in fact, nothing else than our pride surfacing yet again.
If we knew the depth of our poverty, we would not be at all surprised by our falls, but astonished, and we would thank God, after sinning, for not allowing us to fall even deeper and still more frequently into sin.

–Maximilian Kolbe

The post For the One Struggling with Porn and Masturbation first appeared on the Way of the wretch.